January 7, 2009 Leave a comment
Yes folks, it’s true. I am a billionaire. You too can be just like me. What is my secret? I simply responded to all of those emails from Europe, Africa, and my pal, President George W. Bush. I didn’t know I could win the UK Lottery 100 times over, experience 20 family members die in Nigeria leaving me their entire fortunes, and be able to receive a multi-billion dollar loan from the U.S. Government.
It all started with the UK Lottery. It was amazing, I didn’t even have to buy any tickets. Then the emails from lawyers in Nigeria telling me they tried for months and months to locate the next of kin. They stumbled on me and told me my distant cousin 500 times separated owned banks and oil rigs and was worth exorbitant amounts. After calculating how much the emails said I was awarded or inherited, I am expecting at least $878,945,234,923.52! And that is after I sent in my $10,000 worth of processing fees and provided my email, mailing address, phone number, company name, credit card numbers, and my dog’s name.
While waiting for the money from the UK and Nigeria, I hit up my good friend G.W. I mentioned I needed a few billion dollars to hold me over until I get my money from overseas. “My fellow American, I will help you out,” G.W. told me. So he gave me $250 billion that I promised to pay back once I receive my overseas paycheck, plus interest.
Life is good, right? I’ve already decided to invest in some business dealings with Bernard Madoff. He told me he can turn my loaned $250 billion into $720,000,000,000.00! I am one loaded billionaire! Maybe I will invest into a few work from home businesses and just coast the rest of my life. Everyone speaks of this big economic collapse, but I just don’t see it.
I know this is one of the poorest attempts at humor at the expense of those email scammers, George Bush, our economy, and Madoff. Truth is, I can’t stand to see where our country is headed economically. It worries me a great deal, and it does not help to see how many prey upon whats left of a weak American soul. How much more can one take? Is it so bad that the Porn Industry has asked for bailout money? They think they need $5 billion to help boost the moral of the American man. So does this mean we can expect the stimulus payment that Obama now promises us, as well as free lap dances and adult videos? Rock on!
All joking aside, I hope our economy starts driving north. It will probably require a lot of new, innovative ways to rebuild it. We still need to continue to weed out the slime on Wall Street and figure out how to boost the job market. I wish I made those billions to help out my fellow countrymen. For now, I am interested to see how Bush lives out his last few days in office, and intrigued to see what Obama has planned to bring us the change he promises. I sure could use a few extra bucks in my pocket.
Apparently there are a few ways to stop scams, or at least attempt to. One is by sending the message off to the Federal Trade Commission at the following address: email@example.com. There is also a site set up called Consumer Fraud Reporting where you can report on the scams you get.